HUMOR

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Aging

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…

. . Amen

Life Lessons

A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you." Immediately all the people in the bank lay on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make people change their view of the world.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery, not a rape...please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank, the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school), "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." The older man replied, "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant, "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen." "Wait," said the accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management stole $2 million without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank and he can rob everyone.