It's Still You

SAM AND I were together for many years and later married. In 2011, after several falls, we discovered that he had a benign tumor in his head, which gradually led to many physical limitations.

For as long as he was able, Sam was bursting with ideas and plans for the final orchestra he had founded and conducted (Emeritus) and he also managed to publish his book, Aspects of my Life.For over a year he stayed in a small room in a nursing home, where, together with Joseph, our wonderful carer from India, we spent many, many hours, just being.

My Sam
It's still you.
I love you.
Even though you're silent,
In a tranquil mist,
Eyes closed to your surroundings.
It's still you.
You're still warm and solid,
But fully dependent,
You can't find words
But your eyes speak to me.
You love me too.
I miss talking to you,
Asking you, laughing with you,
Feeling strengthened by you.
Home is not home without you.
Your little room
Is now my home.
It's a strange way of living,
In this languid limbo,
And an arduous way to die,
But you accept it graciously,
As ever, still finding interest,
In a shadow, or a building,
When you open your eyes.
Even though you don't engage,
You still surprise me now and then
With delightful words which show
You're still aware -
"Hello Darling",
"Love you always",
"Thank you".
It's still you,
And I love you.

Tessa Swade