IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER
Mona Lisa's Jewish Mother: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
Christopher Columbus' Jewish Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
Michelangelo's Jewish Mother: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
Napoleon's Jewish Mother: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
Abraham Lincoln's Jewish Mother: "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
George Washington's Jewish Mother:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Thomas Edison's Jewish Mother: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
Paul Revere's Jewish Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
Albert Einstein's Jewish Mother: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
Moses' Jewish Mother: "Desert, schmesert! Where have you been for the last forty years?"
Bill Gates' Jewish Mother: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
Bill Clinton's Jewish Mother: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica."
Jacob, aged 92, and Rebecca, aged 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry!"
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
OLD IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
OLD IS WHEN… 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN...Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN... Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
So every day, I go along the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after; I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works! I already have three people following me: Two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Contributed by Milton Franks